Entry — Age 13

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I've been watching the father more carefully. I do this the way you do when you're trying to understand the rules of something — really looking, taking inventory.

He is precise. Everything he does is precise. The way he cuts food, the way he speaks in sessions, the particular angle at which he looks at you when you've said something worth noting. That last one I've memorised. I know what it looks like when he finds something interesting. I watch for it.

Today I got it, briefly, when I answered a question in a way he wasn't expecting. He paused. There was the look. Then it was gone and we moved on.

I know this isn't a healthy thing to be spending this much energy on. I'm thirteen and I know it isn't healthy. I'm going to do it anyway.